Media Sheep Undergoing Massive Revisions

Hey.

It's been a while.

And it's gonna be a while longer.


Media Sheep will be undergoing some major reconstruction in the coming month(s).

Stay tuned.

Happy (Belated) Mother's Day

While I realize that Mother's Day was technically yesterday. I haven't slept since calling my mother and telling her I loved her, so I still count today as that day when we can all express our love for the mothers who whipped our asses into shape and made us say things as teenagers like, "I'm never going to marry someone like you!"

Time Magazine online has their own tribute to awesome mom's everwhere, although I have to disagree with some of their choices, like Hester Prynne from The Scarlet Letter, Gaia (lame), and Whistler's Mom, although the Queen Mother from Aliens and Dumbo's mom (awesome!) are a particularly nice touch. I also can't help but appreciate that they included The Mom's of the Joy Luck Club on their list, since my favorite mom, Kyong Chun "Kyo Chun" Wescott (if you don't get "Kyo Chun," don't worry, it's a Korean thang) was the toughest, most hardcore and demanding Asian mom a boy could ever hope to have growing up. Grounding me for a month (or longer) for getting anything below an A in high school (I got grounded a lot), while sucky at the time, molded me into the upstanding academic I am today. My respect for her is the reason why I respect women to the degree that I do, and for that she deserves the Audre Lorde Lifetime Achievement Award.

To celebrate awesome moms, Media Sheep presents its own list of the top ten moms in pop culture. No best and worst, just moms who I find, in one way or another, radical.

MEDIA SHEEP'S TOP TEN MOM'S
(not including my own, because she's too good for lists!)

10. Kee from Children of Men (film): Okay, so she stands problematically as the last hope for what Lee Edelman has called "reproductive futurism," but fuck all that. You've gotta be awesome to be the only person on the entire planet to be capable of being a mom. The lady had to traverse a war zone--WHILE PREGNANT--to get to that boat, and even then it wasn't a sure thing.

9. Stifler's Mom from American Pie: Okay, so the movies were craptastic, but Stifler's mom is the reason that MILF was brought back into the popular vernacular and she deserves some credit for that.


8. Sharon Agathon (a.k.a Athena) from Battlestar Galactica: One of two Asian mamas to make Media Sheep's list, this Cylon turned ally of the 12 Colonies rocks. Even after having her baby secretly stolen from her with the explanation that it had died, she stayed strong. The fact that she managed not to go apeshit and kill every human in a ten light-year radius after finding out her baby was still alive just shows how awesome she really is.


7. Helen Parr, a.k.a. Elastigirl from The Incredibles: She might be CGI, but there's something about a woman who kicks ass and has the voice of Holly Hunter that can't stop me from screaming MILF from the top of my lungs and not be embarassed about it.


6. Irina Derevko from Alias: The introduction of Derevko in season two of Alias was an absolute godsend. The badass former Russian spy turned free-agent master of espionage made season two of Alias one of the most incredible seasons of TV ever. And she spent most of it behind a glass wall, Hannibal Lecter style! After her departure at season 2's end, the show fell flat until it's eventual cancellation.


5. Elizabeth I from... history, assholes: Sure, she's responsible for England's rise to power in Europe and the colonization of the globe, but she's also responsible for it's Golden Age of culture. As England's mama, Elizabeth I did a pretty good job of making her baby prosperous. During her term as baby mama to England, Shakespeare wrote his greatest plays. She also repr'zented women straight up as the most powerful female monarch in the history of Europe.

4. Mrs. Bates from Psycho: This mama somehow failed to make the list of Time Magazine's 10 Worst Mom's which is an absolute travesty. As the woman who made Norman Bates the psycho that he was, Mrs. Bates deserves to be on this list.

3. Rosemary Woodhouse from Rosemary's Baby: 'Cuz you've gotta be a good mom to birth a demon spawn. (She didn't even make Time's list of the Worst mamas! Shame on you Time Magazine!)








2. Lady Vengeance from Park Chan-wook's Lady Vengeance. Because she'll go on a killing spree and still keep things funny while she tortures you. And she'll feel bad about the torture too. Fuck Beatrix Kiddo, Lady Vengeance would tear her ass up.


1. Sarah Connor from Terminator: You can disagree with me about my choice for the #1 spot until the sun goes supernova and human beings have spread out across the galaxy (or until the Cylon's nuke our planet and then proceed to chase us across the stars as we hopelessly search for a new home), but you still won't convince me that Sarah Connor isn't the best mom in the history of popular culture. Connor, mother to humanity's only hope against an army of killer robots hellbent on the complete annihilation of the human race, is one bad mutha. Does it matter that she's made of flesh and blood and the robots who are constantly traveling back in time to destroy her son are practically indestructible? No. She's going to get her M-16 and bring the hurt. Even when things look absolutely hopeless and apocolypse seems (and is) inevitable, Sarah Connor keeps the hope alive with badass will and unwavering determination. When robot apocolypse comes, she's the bad ass mutha you will wish you had.

Special shout out to:

Asami Yamazaki from Audition: Okay, so technically she wasn't anyone's mom (which is why she didn't make the Top 10), but as the prospective step-mother to Shigehiko Aoyama, she deserves at least an honorable mention. After enchanting your dad with her sweetness and charm, she'll make you watch as she slowly and methodically tortures him with scary pins and proceed to cut off his limbs with sculpting wire. When things don't work out, she'll stuff you in the creepiest potato sack in the history of global cinema.

TEN REASONS WHY MEDIA SHEEP'S MOM IS TOO GOOD TO BE ON THIS LIST.
The thing is, mama hooves (a.k.a. Media Sheep's mom), possesses the qualities of every mother who made the top ten.

10. South Korea is still, technically, a "war zone" as no peace treaty was signed. The 55 year long cease fire has been maintained, but a cease fire does not a peace treaty make. My was pregnant with me during this ceasefire which technically means that she was in a war zone when she had me. Booyakasha!

9. While this bothered me as a teenager, every guy I knew thought my mom was a MILF. Now that I'm older, I see it as a compliment to her maternal beauty.

8. For one thing, Athena is played by Korean-American-Canadian actress Grace Park. For another, she's a Cylon who marries and has a child with a human, making her baby a half-breed, just like me! If we lived in a world where Cylons existed, she would totally be a Cylon and I'd be her half-human, half-Cylon love child. Like Athena, my mom (and dad, of course) had to deal with a lot of shit for having a mixed race baby, but persevered through it all like a champ.

7. My mom might not be CGI, but she's a superhero in her own right and will fuck you up if you mess with her kids.

6. My mother's ability to get me to do things that I don't want to do while making me think I want to do them makes her a master of espionage. She'll also uncover your secret plot to hide your report card and then proceed to use counter-espionage tactics to fuck with your mind. Damn, she's good.

5. If you've ever seen my mom in her domestic element, you know she's the fucking Queen. Mess with her and she'll destroy you like you were the Spanish armada.

4. As the woman who made me the psycho I am today, my mom could stand toe to toe with Mrs. Bates.

3. I am a demon spawn and my mommy still loves me.

2. Korean. Badass. Quirky. 'Nuff said.

1. If robot apocolypse happened tomorrow, my mother would mow down T-1000 and use the liquid metal as the base for some delicious kimchi chigeh. Mmmmm... yummy.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

I'm going to go to the nearest playground and get me one of these...

As long time readers of Media Sheep know... I used to love Slate magazine, before I got sick of its coverage of ranch dressing and the history of vanilla (the flavor). After spending all night drinking bottles upon bottles of 32oz Peach Snapples while writing a 19 page paper on Harold & Kumar (which will be posted here sometime this week, when I actually feel like reformatting it for the blog), I decided to check up on that old friend who got me through long and boring days of office "work" and came upon this amazing article that goes into intricate and hilariously disturbing detail regarding the proper way to convert a human skull into, that's right, a muthafuckin' BONG.


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How To Make a Skull Bong
A guide for the ultimate deadhead.
By Arthur Delaney
Posted Friday, May 9, 2008, at 6:02 PM ET


On Thursday, the Houston Chronicle posted a story on its Web site about three teenagers who, according to Houston police, dug up the grave of an 11-year-old boy buried in 1921, removed the corpse's head, and used it as a bong to smoke marijuana. Police have not found the head and say heavy rain has prevented them checking the open grave for a casket. If it's true that the kids stole a skull, could they really have used it as a bong?

Maybe. If the Texas teenagers recovered a skull in ideal condition, they would still have a lot of work to do before they could smoke weed out of it. There are different types of bongs, but any workable model must offer a seal tight enough that water and smoke cannot escape. Assuming the skull was used right-side up, and that the pot-smokers used the brain cavity as their bong chamber, thin fissures in the eye sockets and any other holes would need to be sealed with something like grout to prevent the smoke from seeping out. The teens would also have to cover over the base of the skull, which contains a large opening through which spinal nerves reach the brain. And there are dozens of small nerve holes, called foramina, which might produce a watering-can effect if left unplugged.

The most effective skull bong might include a removable "slide," a tube that holds lighted marijuana in a bowl on one end and carries smoke into the water in the chamber at the other end. The slide could be inserted into the chamber via a snug hole in an airtight seal over the nasal opening. The user would need to drill a hole in the top of the skull to use as a mouthpiece. While lighting the marijuana in the bowl, the user would suck on the mouthpiece to draw smoke through the water and into the chamber; then he would remove the slide and inhale the smoke.


....


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Now this article is quite possibly the most brilliant piece of journalism ever written in the history of mankind. But I have to say, I'd much rather have a fresh skull that I cleaned out, bleached, and then converted than a skull of some kid that was buried in 1921. Not only that, but what passes for controversy (grave digging) these days is just too "vanilla" for me.


If you're going to make a bong out of a skull, my hardcore and diligent Asian work ethic says that I work for my child skull bongs rather than let death do all the hard work and pick up the pieces like a vulture or the white guys with the corner office who get me to write up their presentations so that they can go to Vegas and get gonorrhea from an "escort" over the weekend. I want to look into the large, innocent and gleaming eyes of a pre-pubescent child, or even better, a newborn baby and really get to know my future bong.


Because the relationship between a stoner and his bong is an incredibly intimate and personal one, and digging up the body of someone you don't know and using this stranger's skull as a bong just seems like a corruption and insult to that incredibly special and lifelong relationship. And let's say I did decide to dig up a body and use the skull for a bong; I'd at least engage in some nasty, depraved necro-fucking beforehand, because if there's one thing I've learned in life it's that you need to make sure that the bong you decide to commit yourself to for life better be a good lay.


It's summer, homies, and Media Sheep is BACK like Lady Vengeance.

Have you ever seen the Rain?

Has the Colbert vs. international South Korean pop-sensation Rain dance/blood feud finally come to an end?

This convinces me that I am not only genetically pre-disposed to be a kick ass tae kwon do expert, but that I may finally be able to leave the world of academia behind for a career as a Korean pop star.

What if conflict resolution looked more like this? Why aren't programs in International Relations at colleges and universities around the world teaching courses like Dance Diplomacy 101? Is it because such a shift in attitudes and approaches would inevitably result in the loss of U.S. global power? Is it because small-scale conflicts, like bar fights, would end up looking like this?

"Hey, are you hitting on my girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"I challenge you!"

"Bitch, I'm going to dance your face off."

Or perhaps even better, like THIS?

Skip to 3:20 to see what I'm REALLY talking about.

A Media Sheep Joint

Check out my guest-post on Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay over at the amazing Oh!Industry.

A "joint" post here at Media Sheep is forthcoming.

Ride the Express

This is going to be the year's second best movie after Harold & Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay.

You can either check out the glorious hi-def trailer at http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/pineappleexpress/, or watch the youtube version below.



A joint Harold & Kumar post will be up shortly here as well as a kind of "sister" piece on the same subject over at Oh!Industry. Stay tuned.

Happy Easter!

It's been a while since I did anything Jesus-in-comics related. To celebrate Easter, I present Jesus fighting the undead.

Click on the image above for a larger version.

Jean Claude Van Damme plays... Jean Claude Van Damme

In a movie aptly titled: J.C.V.D.

As a fan of all things horrible and horribly mainstream, I freely admit my love for Van Damme.

And judging from this trailer (and if you're willing to see it), you will soon love him as much as I do.

Ralph Macchio is BACK! And he's killing the undead!

IN A MOVIE CALLED... wait for it...

Wait for it...

ROSENCRANTZ AND GUILDENSTERN ARE UNDEAD!

Sweet.

The movie will star Macchio and Jeremy Sisto and is being scored by my nemesis Sean Lennon (who I continue to believe looks nothing like me! that is... unless you believe that all half-Asians look the same).

The anti-christ.


Media Sheep... trippin' in Vegas.

Watchmen news...

Ain't It Cool News, source of all things movie and TV awesome, has posted the following pic from the upcoming WATCHMEN movie!

How exciting! (Click photo to enlarge.)

Bye Bye Antenna TV...

If the Blu Ray victory over HD-DVD wasn't monopoly-scary enough... if the gradual weeding out of standard DVDs didn't make you want to cry already...

...Anyone without a digital tuner for their televisions will no longer be able to watch TV in ONE YEAR.

The future looks bleak, yo.

P.S. When are we going to get flying cars and jet packs? What ever happened to THAT future?

The Happening

I'll have to admit, that when I first heard about this movie, based solely on the title, I thought it was going to be about some sort of Allan Kaprow thing. Then I quickly discovered that M. Night Shyamalan was behind it.


Now I haven't really been excited about Shyamalan's more recent work (Signs, The Village, Lady in the Water), but this movie looks like it has the potential to be incredibly creepy. I'm just hoping that Shyamalan moves away from the "surprise ending" and just focuses on making a good film without the need for gimmicks.

HD DVD vs Blu Ray... the battle is over

To some extent, this is semi-awesome news. The fact that Toshiba has abandoned HD DVD completely probably means that for those of us with HD DVD players, HD DVDs will now cost significantly less as stores try to get rid of them to make more room for Blu Ray.

That's the semi-awesome part... because I'm cheap, I love HD, and my Xbox 360 plays HD DVDs. And I really want to see Batman Begins, Bladerunner, and Serenity in HD.

The not so awesome part is that when I first started reading about the "Format Wars," I was a little pissed off. Because I prefer to have a choice when it comes to my media consumption and Sony's "victory" in this battle has essentially taken away that choice (that and I hear that, at the moment, HD DVD offers better quality).

I'm also a bit pissed that if I ever want higher quality movies in the future, especially if standard DVDs become obsolete (which I know won't happen for a while, but the push is being made), I'll have to fork over the cash for a Blu Ray system (Blu Ray players can cost anywhere from $300-$1000).

And I'm not a total HD bitch. Sure, I love watching Lost in HD, where I can see every blade of grass on that mysterious island, but my DVD collection is mostly standard-format and it still looks fine. But the idea that the future may not be a friendly place for standard-def DVD makes me want to curl up in a corner and cry. This is almost as sad as when VHS died.

Wah.

Unleashing the Force... heh heh (that sounds dirty)

I don't usually post game-related news here, but this is a bit too awesome to pass up.

Ever since I first heard about The Force Unleashed, I've been excited. This is entirely because I'm a HUGE nerd, and in part because, regardless of my absolute hatred of the Star Wars prequel trilogy, I also love LucasArts' (the gaming branch of George Lucas's multimedia empire) work on epic, story driven Star Wars related games (Knights of the Old Republic and its sequel).

Word on the interwebs is that this game is going to revolutionize the way video games are made. Word is that this game will serve as a bridge between the Star Wars prequels and the original trilogy. This game is supposed to be so awesome that Vanity Fair published a pretty meaty article about it.

I also think that in the hands of others (that is, anyone who isn't George Lucas), Star Wars can be absolutely amazing: think The Empire Strikes Back or the upcoming Clone Wars animated movie, which you can read about/watch the trailer over at Colonel Gentleman's hilarious blog A Lie Told Well.

But enough with the talky-talk and on to the show. This trailer blows my hair back. Enjoy.

Indiana Jones... Man or Monkey?

Ever since I heard that Steven Spielberg had decided to make a 4th Indiana Jones movie, part of me thought "Oh shit, they're going to destroy my childhood." It's not that I don't trust Spielberg, the man is a master of the big budget, fun adventure movie. It's mostly that I don't trust LucasFilm to revisit childhood favorites, like Star Wars (although a sequel to Howard the Duck would be AWESOME).

Well, the teaser trailer for Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is out, and it looks... okay.

I like that they've added some jokes to poke fun at Jones's/Ford's age, but the fact that some of these stunts are things that we've never even seen Indiana Jones do back in his prime makes it seem a bit over the top (even more over the top than the movies themselves really).

But it still looks fun, and hopefully the movie will deliver. Check out the trailer for yourselves.